# 12 The Phone call and the transfer, Round 2.

The day after the egg collection, I sat by my phone for hours. 9.30am, Thursday 27th June 2019, the embryologist gave us our news.

“Good morning Mr and Mrs Nickless. Out of your 13 eggs, 11 of them were mature and inserted (Buzzing at those words and beaming from ear to ear), only 2 of them have made embryos (In disbelief and looking into my husband's shocked eyes). “Oh”. Is all I could say. 2.

Even though I knew it was too early to tell, I still asked if they were both looking ok. As expected, it’s too soon to know. Shocked, gutted and lost for words there wasn’t much more of a conversation. The embryologist advised the transfer for the next day. Things are not in our favour and even the awesome blastocyst we had from our last round, 6 day transfer, outcome was a negative. We need to make a decision now. A 2 day transfer was not what I was wanting!, in fact it is normally unheard of! To my knowledge, it’s 2 day transfers for when the chance of success is low. We were given the option of putting them both in, so we took it. Numb. Yep, Numb is the only way I could describe this day. My husband and I barely spoke. Unlike my endless tears last time. Not one tear fell this time.

Friday 28th June. 12.30pm.

We arrive and wait to be spoken to. Our embryologist shows us from the waiting room to a consultation room and is still himself, shocked at the outcome. He explains to us that as we are self funded this time, every 5 minutes, the machine that the embryos are in takes a photograph, so they constantly see how they are changing.

Embryo 1.

Should be at a 2 to 4 cell stage. Over the last day, it’s gone from a 1 to a 3 ( which they don’t like to see ) but has somehow corrected itself back to a 2 cell. It continued to do this and corrected itself which he had not really seen before. It’s quality looks good. If he hadn’t watched it change so much it would have been graded as a 3+, but because they have monitored it and seen it change so much, it is graded as 2.

Embryo 2.

Is doing everything as it should, but just slower and not to the quality of the other. It’s been graded as a 3 at this stage.

We were told once more of the risk of multiple births if it were to work. We signed the paperwork and got ready.

In my gown again and my husband in his scrubs. We went through to the procedure room again. Only 2 days after being in the same room, having the eggs removed, we were back. As before (just like a bigger longer smear) we watched our two embryos inserted through the big long turkey baster of a catheter. They play it back a few times so you can really see it. It’s such an overwhelming experience! Once again the kiss of my husband feels like the best kiss in the whole wide world and all we can do is let Mother Nature take over now.

Being driven back home all I could do was look out the window and think, I realised that maybe without the extra 3 eggs I made this time, we could have ended up with 0 embryos!

Sadly that was the outcome of the couple that went in for her egg collection before me. The embryologist had a tough day himself, having to give out such bad news and receiving the poor outcomes. It’s just not fair. We would give anything to carry our own beautiful baby. There are so many who get pregnant accidentally or easily. I’ve given up everything to make this happen.

The sun is shining and I still have a few more days off of work! Time to test, relax and chill.

Social media is not my friend, any baby pictures or family pictures leave my heart aching.

This has to work. It is our time. I need good news in my life. All I’ve known is tragedy, helplessness and loss. Come on, give us a break, give me a meaning.

As a massive F.R.I.E.N.D.S fan I keep hearing phoebe in my head, singing to her embryos whilst she has her legs in the air! “Are you in there little fetus, in 9 months will you come greet us, I will buy you some adidas”... Yep. Of course I’m singing it too !