#38, IVF Been Through It... Again

I didn’t want to head into Christmas and the New Year with the building up of emotions and thoughts screaming through my head like they do. So it was time for my therapy, writing this. 

I got my way. My husband agreed to allow me to give it one last shot, using some of the embryos we still had frozen in Cyprus. Teddy is of an age now where his personality is shining through like the most beautiful rainbow dazzling in the sunshine, even on the gloomiest of days. The baby stage is well and truly behind us and now we have a cheeky little toddler that has my husband’s and my personality to a tee! We are at ‘that’ stage that I think most blokes would prefer from the start and where us women want the beginning back. It wasn’t a conversation we had over night. Infact, it was many conversations, over many nights, that had many different scenarios of endings, but in the end came down to one outcome… me getting my own way. I needed to try again. “Just once more”, I promised. “If it fails I can look back and say ‘ I tried ‘, and if it works, then we will be a complete family” I said. But now I wish I hadn't promised. 

I think I touched on it briefly before in my last blog. But, if I were ‘normal’ and could conceive naturally, I would be hoping to fall pregnant. But I’m not normal. The only way we can make a baby is by spending a lot of money and a lot of science to even hope to have a positive pregnancy test. And that is just what we have done. Spent A LOT of money, and got a positive pregnancy test. But this is our story, it has twists and turns and yet again…. Heartache.

We had been in to speak to our consultant a few times since Teddy was born, just to say hi and let him see his extra special miracle baby (even though I’m sure Teddy is not the only one!) and whilst there, we had a couple of chats about what the next step could be, when and how.

Looking in my husband's diary, as he is regularly up and down the country, September looked the perfect time for us to try once more and it would have been an ideal time if it worked as he has also signed a long summer contract, so my maternity would work out brilliantly! “This is it” I thought, it's perfect. It's all falling into place. We agreed with our consultant to do EXACTLY the same as before and to let them know of my menstrual cycle over the coming weeks. 

My husband had one condition though. That we would not tell anyone that we were doing it. It worked with Billy and it worked with Teddy. ‘Yep. It makes sense, let's keep it a surprise’, plus no one will be expecting it.

I wear my heart on my sleeve like I have mentioned many times before. Keeping this secret was hard! Not only for things like work, but I didn't want to lie to my friends. So I found myself distancing myself from friends and family. It was just easier that way, less fibbing (plus trying to remember what white lies we were both saying was tricky). There was a day at work that our clinic had been in contact with the pharmacy and I didn’t have any signal at work, so I had to run out of the building to call them back. The medication they were prescribing me was not the same as I had previously been on with Teddy’s round. It was the same as the failed attempts. This sent me into a panic. I rang our clinic and they assured me it would be fine and that previously the medication they like to use was out of stock and that this is honestly what our consultant prefers to use. “Ok”, I agreed and continued to call the pharmacy back to make the payment. In this moment, stressed on a freezing cold seafront, was one of the first moments I thought it would be really good for me to tell work as I’m flustered and have exited the building rather abruptly and unlike me. The medication arrived a couple of days later and I soon started the long process of the meds a couple of days after that. 

It was a decision that was difficult to admit, but I was going to be going to Cyprus on my own again. We have an old dog and our neighbour who so kindly has her was not available and I would have found it tricky with Teddy on my own as the hotel we use doesn't have a lot in the way for kids and he would not have understood at all that he can not go in the swimming pool, as I’m not allowed in pools because of the chlorine. So, the decision was out of our hands, it was made for us. Solo pregnancy again. It worked before, it can work again… but now I'm leaving behind my child, not just my husband.

On the 26th July, I started my injections of 0.5mls Suprecur (not Prostap as like the previous round) and one tablet of Norethisterone three times a day. I had set alarms to remind me as with work and mum life, it is busy. (These alarms going off when anybody was around were always fun!) 

My first injection was a special one. This time I wasn’t just hoping it would help give me a baby, I had my baby sat watching me. My husband filmed me administering the injection, and at the end of it, he told my son that his mummy took 2 million of them to make him. (I laughed. Well Teddy Bear, it wasn't 2 million, but it sure felt like it!!)

This round was pretty brutal at the beginning. The Norethisterone was evil. Night sweats is an understatement! The bedding was dripping. It was a good job my husband was away a lot, because my body was a furnace and the bedding needed changing at least twice a week because of my sweating. My mood took its usual IVF nosedive and I was extremely irritable. It was at that point that I let one of my colleagues at work know, because my patience with customers was not my usual ‘laugh it off’ self. The nausea also kicked in and I felt atrocious with headaches for a couple of days. Fortunately, once the Norethisterone finished after 9 days and my planned bleed came and went, the rest of the round went ok. I had 21 days of just the suprecur injection before my Progynova 6mg and Aspirin then started. This took another 2 weeks before my suprecur finally finished only to be replaced straight away with Lubion (progesterone injections) and Cyclogest pessaries. With Teddy’s pregnancy I had started bleeding at around 6 weeks, so this was prescribed straight away to avoid any worry again. 10 days before my transfer was scheduled, I also travelled down to Sutton Coldfield again to have an Intralipid infusion the same as I had done with Teddy’s round of IVF. 

Juggling mum life, work and IVF whilst having no support around me was getting the better of me and I eventually let a few more colleagues at work know, as I needed them more than they knew. It was a slight weight lifted off of my shoulders that I wasn’t carrying such a huge thing as a secret. 

Before I knew it, I was packing my bag, my medication and giving my husband and Teddy all the kisses and cuddles I possibly could the night before I left, as a Taxi was going to be collecting me at 4am. On the 12th September my alarm went off and I jumped straight in the shower, got dressed and tried to fight back the tears as I so wished they were both coming with me!!

I got through the airport all fine, was extremely relaxed and took it all in my stride until I video called to say I was about to board the plane and seeing them both made it all very real. A week away. I hadn't spent more than a day away from Teddy. The tears fell.

I arrived at my hotel, which was extremely familiar to me now, as it was my 3rd time staying there and headed straight down to the beach to watch the sun go down. The weather was warm and beautiful, but I had this constant nagging thought in the back of my head, like I was forgetting something, but the reality was, I was chilling and my brain couldn’t comprehend that I had nothing to do/think about/look out for. 

I unpacked and spent the next day trying to relax but the 2 hour time delay was not doing me any favours. I was awake super early because I actually slept solidly without watching a baby monitor. I panicked when my husband hadn't texted or called, but in all honesty, he also hadn’t had me away for more than a day, so he wasn’t just doing daddy duties, he was also on mummy duties too. And I couldn’t get in contact with friends because it was 5am uk time when I was itching to speak to someone. 

14th September - transfer day arrived and I was so excited. I had been eating and drinking so well at the hotel and was 1 million gazillion percent sure I was going to head home to the UK pregnant after today. Everything was great. The lovely nurse who we’ve seen throughout our whole time there in Cyprus greeted me and showed me to my room. I had downloaded a few episodes of Friends on my phone, so I killed some time with my ‘comfort blanket’ of a tv show I adore. I got put in my wheelchair and whisked off up to the embryologist and transfer room. There on the screen were 2 gorgeous and hatching blastocyst embryos. I was told that one was graded a 4AA and the other a 3AA. Dr Tekin transferred the embryos and as I slid over to the bed I was to stay on for the next half an hour, I told him “Thankyou for giving me the most beautiful son”. (I welled up then and I’m still welling up now as I write it. I will never ever stop being grateful to those who helped bring my incredible Teddy into my life.)

I was actually in my own little heaven. I was becoming pregnant again, sleeping well, eating well, getting some sunshine, reading, and chilling. I was laughing a lot due to my husband keeping me updated when he could with pictures and videos and one very funny incident involving the bath and Teddy’s bowel movement…need I say anymore!!!! 

Whilst Teddy was in nursery I could still see what he was up to as the app still worked out there too. The week flew by and before I knew it, I was packing ready to see my boys again. 

I don’t know who was more relieved, me to see them, or my husband to have me home again! We got back from the airport and got Teddy down to bed and it was back to normality. My husband was up and out early for his press launch for Panto and I was back to mummy duties. We actually snuck out of the house when he left and picked up a pregnancy test…. PREGNANT. It was only day 7, but I knew it! As if I couldn't be happier, then here I was, with Teddy’s brother or sister latching onto me, burrowing deeper and deeper and growing inside of me, thanks to the world of fertility treatments. I was due to pick up my husband from his busy day and I wanted to explode with excitement. I had no idea how I was going to tell him, but I calmly managed to creep out the words as soon as he got in the car, “im pregnant”. “Have you done a test!?” he asked, I nodded and he came into me for a kiss as he let out a heartwarming yet nervous laugh. We were like 2 giddy school kids in love all evening. Thinking about the future and after having Teddy now knowing what we have in store to come again. 

The next day I took another test just to check. Pregnant. I went back to work the following day and got on with life whilst keeping this secret that I had inside of me. The secret that took the summer and a week away, but a summer that was all worth it. 

On the 26th September it was our official test day and I took our first digital test, PREGNANT 1-2 weeks. Buzzing and on cloud 9, I contacted our clinic and informed them I’m pregnant. They then informed the pharmacy to contact me with my next lot of medication to see me until 12 weeks pregnant. We spent that day thinking about baby names already!!! 

3 days later my Digital test was supposed to go up to the 2-3 weeks and I discovered with Teddy that this gave me the comfort I needed to know everything was ok. I had a spare to use from a 2 pack, so I got up at 4am for when my bladder was feeling like it was going to burst and took the test. NOT PREGNANT. 

(Even now writing that, I can feel a rush of boiling blood running through me and my heart racing.) In disbelief I can just remember staring at the stick. ‘It must be wrong!!!?’ My husband stirred and maybe sensed me, “are you ok baby?!” “No. I'm not pregnant”. I climbed back into bed and just had every thought scrambling through my head. Maybe it's twins or triplets and the test is a false negative. Maybe it's a faulty test. The only thought that I was not allowing was that ‘I'm not pregnant’. We gave each other a cuddle and then my tears started falling, then cascading and then flooded, followed soon with whaling cries. We did not get back to sleep. 

I couldn’t contact our clinic as it was the weekend and out of hours. I was lost. I was breaking and I was confused. I also had no one to speak to, as no one knew that we had gone through it. I was in my own little hell and my husband was having to pick up the pieces without him saying the words ‘I told you so’.

Long story to short, there is not a lot of support for an early miscarriage. Clinic or doctors did not want to see me, as there was nothing to see. But my head was scrambled. My body still hadn’t acknowledged my loss, it took over a week to start my miscarriage bleed. I cried hiding behind my jumpers over my head playing peek a boo with Teddy, as long as Mummy was smiling, he knew nothing was wrong. I cried behind closed doors more than I ever have, it feels. The thing with loss is it brings back more loss. Doom. Darkness. Sorrow. 

I have had to find all the strength over the last few months possible to be the best mum for Teddy and the wife I promised my husband I would be. 

Our clinic asked if we were free for a follow up consultation on the 23rd October, which cut like a knife to my heart, as they knew we were free, because that should have been our 8 week scan with them! I was still raging with hormones, heartache and tears which I fought back with every question I had over our zoom call. The rundown was that it was just ‘bad luck’ again and nothing I could have done would have changed the outcome. We asked how many embryos that were ‘usable’ were left. We have 2. Both graded 3AA’s. 

Fast forward to the present day. It’s taken me 3 sittings to write this blog. Some days we chat and come to the conclusion, we HAVE

GOT TO TRY the last 2 remaining embryos. Some days we wonder if it will be a waste of time and money. We can not come to a conclusion.

I am not heading into the Christmas I thought at one point it would be. I would be over 16 weeks pregnant and soon finding out if it was a girl or boy. I know it's an old wives tale, but in my heart I believe it was a girl, as the tale goes, some women just can’t carry certain sex’s. I think this baby Nickless was Teddy’s sister. 

As the last few years have gone, 2020 I was pregnant with Billy, 2021 not pregnant, 2022 I was pregnant with Teddy, 2023 not pregnant, this year, I was due to be pregnant. I was pregnant. I’m just not anymore. 1 in 4 women have a miscarriage, is the statistic. But I’m pretty sure I know more women that have had a miscarriage than haven’t. Some go on to have healthy babies after. But for an IVF loss. It's not as easy as making love and creating a baby. If we make another rainbow baby, it’s going to take more money and more science and more medication and more travelling and more waiting. 

A baby loss is the loss of someone's dream. I don’t know if I can go through any more heartache. Yet growing and raising Teddy is the best, most incredible experience of my life. Since losing Billy, I found it hard seeing pregnant women. After Teddy came into our lives, that went. But now I’m back to jealous and broken seeing them, as I so badly wanted to give Teddy a sibling. 

Over time, writing and sharing my blogs and IVFBeenThroughIt instagram posts, this world of infertility warriors grows and grows. People reach out and ask me questions, or tell me of their infertility journey and talk to me for support. Some share their journeys too and some find it hard to admit and share that they can’t conceive. Whatever way someone deals with it is completely right for them. In the last few months, I had 3 friends of ours reach out to say that they were going through it all and they were announcing that they were pregnant, at the very time I too was pregnant, but miscarried. 

I know so many people that have had a tough year, this year in particular for some reason. Be kind to yourselves. Whether there is an empty chair at the table, or your head is just not in the right place. Having a stiff upper lip is not the answer. Please ignore the mindless people that tell you, life goes on! 

This Christmas and New Year may not be how you pictured, but look up at the sky. Make a wish. Love. Cherish. Whether it's a memory or a dream. Life is short. Live it. Love it. However you personally can. 

Zo x