# 13 Unlucky for some, but we’re just unlucky.

4 days before my test was due, I had a heavy bleed. The clinic has confirmed that it sounds quite a lot like it has failed again. Cramps, back ache, clots, heavy red blood, they are all the signs. I’ve been told to keep taking my injections and to still take my test as planned on Friday. ”YEY”...not.

After spending a day trying to convince myself that it was just an implantation bleed. The Lubion injections I’m taking are supposed to provide my progesterone. Last time I used the cyclogest pessaries, but bled 2 days early also back then. This news has completely and utterly devastated us. We really thought even with the drop off of eggs, even knowing the poor grades, we were surely due OUR TIME.

This round of IVF has felt so very very different. I felt content. A funny change of taste buds. A fuzzy head. At work on Saturday, I was even sick. That gave me so much hope. It must just have been a side effect to my medication.

Now I just feel empty and even in the blazing sunshine, I feel cold. Now the tears have finally stopped, I am just numb. I’ve gone from a crying mess to emotionless, back to a mess. What I would give to feel my baby in my belly. What I would give to feel that it could even be a possibility. Nope. Not us. It’s the weirdest and strangest form of grieving, grieving something we never even had, grieving the fact it seems there really is no hope. I don’t like who I am, I’m envious and bitter of other's, I’m broken.

Once again, I feel like I’ve written a blog that has given no help, no support and no advice. Its been another failure. I feel like a failure.