# 14 The debrief... AGAIN!

On Wednesday 4th September, 8 weeks after the last failure, we finally had our debrief. Our Doctor instantly looked sad and said how sorry she was that it failed again.

The thing is, with so many weeks passed and time spent trying to put it all behind us, all emotions and heartache came flooding straight back.

It is clear that we struggle to make embryos, with a very low percentage, but at least we do make some. ICSI is most definitely the only way we are going to conceive. The Doctor explained that she felt that with the higher dose of stimulants made a higher quantity, but created worse quality of eggs. If we were to do it again, she would most certainly put me back on the lower dose, from the first attempt. Even though we had one embryo, it was a very good grade. The progesterone level is also unknown. Lubion that I was on, still might not have been enough. Maybe having the lubion injections as well as the pessaries is also something we would possibly need to do, if we were to try again.

We asked if she knew whether the failures were solely down to my poor quality eggs, my husband's sample or combination. There is no way of telling, she informed us. Really? I’m still not sure if there are more investigations we could have!? At this point we mentioned that we have been looking into an Alicante clinic. She didn’t put us off the idea and also recommended another clinic in Spain she knew had great feedback and also offered a money back guarantee. We have asked for our notes so we could have the option one day.

“Never say never”. Right now, I’m getting my head together. But it’s nice to know that there is still an option out there for us.However, we did leave the clinic that day defeated. We felt no benefit from hearing what we knew already.

Friends and families' first conversation is always “why don’t you adopt“, it’s not helpful. We are most definitely not in the right mindset. It's obviously something you need to go in with 100%. They also don’t allow you to look into it until a year after a failed attempt of fertility treatment, this makes so much sense. Lisa Faulkner’s autobiography has helped me a huge amount to understand. We just don't know if it is the path for us.

It's been a really tough year. But one thing it’s done has broken me to the point of there’s only two options, 'SINK or SWIM'. After treading water frantically...I’m now finally swimming again.