# 24 The grief, the wait, the support.

It's a true fact that you have no idea about grief in all its variety until you've gone through it yourself. I am currently in that limbo stage. You're not in the thick of grief 24/7 anymore but it can hit you like a brick in the face and take the wind out of you, sometimes for an hour or even an entire day. You don't have answers and you don't know the future. No 2 days are the same.

Because Billy was so far gone, I have been entitled to Maternity Allowance. I am trying to use it wisely. Making sure that I can come out of this as strong as I possibly can. I've taken up a fitness regime, it gets me out and gives me motivation, something I've lacked in recent weeks. Self confidence has been a tricky thing, with anxiety and panic attacks hitting me since the recent fertility treatment completely failed. The overwhelming feeling of being a failure. With the last failed round, it wasn't even something we comprehended to not even make an embryo. We went into it knowing that it's not guaranteed as we had already had unsuccessful rounds. But the clinic had given us a baby, they knew us. We just needed better luck. The 'doing something' was a better option than not doing anything, as we approached Billy's due date. But as the day came, we both were full of emotions. The reality was, it just wasn't going to ever happen for us! The day where I would have had our fully grown miracle. Its stupid, because his life would have been filled with pain, no communication and no quality at all, he was a sick baby and his fight was just too huge to overcome. But as this special day arrived, the constant thoughts of what could have been? Why us? The grief for me was consuming. For as long as I can remember I've dreamed of carrying my child. Something that I was robbed of from 13 weeks until his heart gave out! I can not put into words the protectiveness you feel when you know there is something wrong with the child you have the responsibility to grow inside of you. I lost count how many times I would stare into space holding my little bump, rubbing him, wanting to know what was wrong, screaming that I wanted him. I found the due date as a reminder of what I couldn't do, couldn't feel, couldn't treasure, couldn't be proud of. My husband is a closed book. I recently heard him talking to his friend, when he was asked how he was doing, he replied "if I think about it, it makes me sad, so I don't think about it". Each to their own, we all deal with grief differently, but that was hard to hear. We have been having counselling through our fertility clinic. But the irony is, we both talk out about how we are worried for one another. We can both admit that I've been a lot worse emotionally, but I've always been one to cry at TV adverts or even a compliment! But whether it's still hormones, heartache, or just the longing to hold my child, I've been a wreck recently.

Of all the days, his due date, 8th July, was the date that the hospital booked us in to go back to the place where we last held him together. We had to be given the paperwork showing that they did all they could, the findings, the details of the labour. I initially didn't want to talk about it on that day, but it soon hit us, we were going to think and talk about him that day anyway. So we made a day of it. We went. We strolled to the park that we sat in and made the decision to try for our son, the same park that we visited after his funeral. We then went for a drink and toasted our fighter, our brave beautiful boy. Both cuddling his Teddy bear urn, curled up in each other's arms on the sofa in the evening. It was a little glimmer of closure.

Seeing pregnant people was harder than babies which I hadn't prepared myself for. I look at a bump and look at the lucky woman who is growing. Jealousy pumps through me...which leads to tears as I hate myself for the irrational reactions and thoughts in my head. A month ago I saw a woman wearing my maternity dress, with a bump the size that I should have had, I felt like I lost control of my legs and my breath stopped. I think this is why I hated leaving the house for a while.

I've recently started dancing again. It's sparked something inside of me, a Zoe I thought was lost and gone. After losing both parents, the end of my 20 year dancing career, failed fertility treatments, change of location away from friends, a pandemic and the loss of our son, it can really change a person! The constant reminder of my baby bump that just won't go has been a hard hurdle to face, but dance is a workout for the soul as much as the body and hand on heart it's the best thing I could do right now. I still don't like looking at the stranger dancing in my reflection, but she's still got some sass and style left in her! It's been a reminder that tomorrow is still worth waking up for.

July has been Bereaved Parents month. 4 Louis is the charity that donates their memory boxes after the loss of a child. I have followed them since Billy passed and recently they have asked for everyone's stories. I wrote to them with Billy's story. They shared it and the love for our Angel was incredible. I shared a picture that I hadn't shared on social media as I thought it would be disturbing to those who would not want to see him in some of his deformities, but as this was a special charity whose parents see it all and worse, it felt right to show him to the world. The comments, feedback and messages made me proud of our son and extremely emotional. We always thought he was beautiful, but now the world thought so too! Writing his story got me thinking and I decided to adapt it for another reason...With the hope still not gone, the constant thoughts that this can not be how our story ends, I reluctantly put together a Go Fund Me page. Numerous friends got in touch after Billy died to tell us to put one together or offered to do it on our behalf for us. But let's face it. It's never something you want to do, to admit, but one night when the grief became too much and the hope seemed a distant darkness, I put one together. The next day a friend shared it on my behalf and before we knew it, friends of friends were sharing and donating and within around 24 hours we had £1000! Go Fund Me reached out to me and said how saddened they were to read our story, they offered to send it out to the media. Nothing has come of it, but just hearing how sad they found the story is a reminder that our grief is relevant, our story is beyond sad. We have the right to feel the way we do. It's now 3 weeks since we set up the page and we have £5,800 already!!! The Go fund me has opened up so many people to share their experiences of loss, grief and successes after heartache. One couple who we don't even know offered their frozen embryos.

We are honestly blown away by people's generosity and want for our dream! It really does make me amazed every time we have a notification that someone has donated! The power of sharing is also something I underestimated. Friends who have shared the link have no idea how much it has helped!! Right now our story is still unknown, but thanks to the generosity of our friends, family and even strangers, it's not over!...

https://gofund.me/8a639211