# 26 The plan for our Rainbow...

I would like to say that we spent hours, even days discussing our options together. But that would be a lie. Once we started talking, it was soon very clear what our next step was going to be. This was one of the easiest decisions of all that we’ve had to make in this long journey.

Yes, a few months of the DHEA medication could improve my egg quality and quantity, but it’s not 100% guaranteed to. Maybe if we hadn't gone through so much, we would still be persevering and going down this route. We could still also try once more without the DHEA, by upping my medication, but the evidence was in front of us. After sitting down discussing this with all the previous treatments laid out, in the last 3 years, with each treatment, my follicles and eggs are significantly decreasing. At some point enough is enough. This is most definitely our last chapter of the infertility journey. This HAS to count.

That just leaves embryo donation and egg donation. Embryo donation - this is the best option for success rates. A healthy egg that creates a healthy embryo, created by healthy sperm...even writing that then, I am shaking my head, as I know that it sounds like the best decision. But the truth is, as much as i’m desperate to carry a child, I want my husband's child. During my pregnancy with our Son, it really hit me that for nearly 6 months, I was the one who had the symptoms, felt the kicks, and grew the attachment to him as soon as we read the pregnancy test. But for my husband, it wasn't until I gave birth to our sleeping angel that my husband got to feel the love that I had known. Albeit a very different experience. Complete and utter love and heartache, exploding all at once. If it wasn't for this love, we probably wouldn't be so desperate to feel it again! As much as embryo donation is probably the best decision, the statistics are only 10% more successful. So, egg donation is the way forward for us. It's worth risking the 10% chance, to have our child. Now I know what you're probably thinking, “it's not my eggs, not my genetics, not my child”. Well as much as that is partly true, I will still play a vital role in creating our child too. I am not just an ‘oven’, whilst my DNA does not pass over to the child, my RNA (micro genes) does. I am still crucial in growing the fetus. My endometrial fluid, which will surround the baby throughout its gestation, containing the micro RNA molecules play a massive part and I will provide all the nutrients, my blood is still what creates the placenta and supplies life to our child. Would I choose this?...No! Would I rather conceive naturally?...Yes! Will that ever happen for us?...NO! Do I want our child?...YES! Egg donation is how we can do that.

We are fortunate that our doctor from the fertility clinic who created our son, is also a doctor that works for a fertility clinic in Liverpool and Cyprus. We trust him, we have a great bond with him, we wouldn't want anyone else to help us. Due to the 2 year waiting list and also legal requirements in this country, it meant that the Liverpool and Cyprus clinic is our clear and right choice.

On Tuesday 7th September, we had an appointment to discuss our decision. It was a relief to hear that he feels this is the right decision to make too, given all the evidence. He knows our story inside and out! We talked through my future medication and the hopes of what we could achieve. He explained to us in detail that egg donors go through screenings and will be in their prime (their 20’s), providing a minimum of 10 mature eggs. (I even made him laugh by calling them lucky b*tches!!) It takes at least 6 weeks to put the treatment plan into place ready for travel. He was so confident, he even used the words “you’ll be pregnant, i know you will!”. Big words!!! We took them on the chin, as nothing is obviously guaranteed with infertility treatments. But this was the good vibes we needed. We finished the meeting with huge smiles on our faces and after a year of worry and grieving, he told us we must also look at the week or so away in Cyprus as a much needed break away from life, advising 8 - 10 days to cover any problems or change of dates of transfer etc.

In a few weeks time, I will have 41 days of medication. Norethisterone, 0.5mls Suprecur and 6mg Progynova. I have been on both the Norethisterone and Suprecur before, so I am well and truly prepared for the side effects I have ahead of me! Once I finish my first set of tablets (Norethisterone which is a form of progesterone), I will have my heavy bleed and will then be scanned to make sure my lining has shed sufficiently. The Suprecur injection I will take every day. (This will shut down my hormone production, stopping me from ovulating). The Progynova is actually an oestrogen replacement to then build up the lining of my uterus again, this is a new medication to me. The search for our egg donor is still in process. We have sent the clinic pictures of myself in my 20’s, given my height, weight, eyes, hair, body, blood and skin type. With optional things like musical/artistic requirements and big smile if possible! Once the donor has been chosen and screened, she will then start her stims and scans. My husband's 'job' will be done a couple of days after we arrive in Cyprus. Then it's all down to the embryologists. I'm so confident! Even if the first transfer doesn’t work, the chance that we will have some embryos good enough to freeze, is looking much more positive and likely than we have ever had in the past. We have never had a frozen embryo for storage.

It's something that gets me through every day, knowing that I have not given up. You may call me mad. But the yearning inside of me screams to have my meaning in life. My Mum was the most inspirational, caring, loving and special person anyone could ever have met and I was lucky to be her daughter! I was her everything. I want that connection you can only have with your mum. I want to wake up in the morning knowing I'm needed, that unconditional love. I want my child.

Thanks to such an overwhelming amount of people who donated to our Go Fund Me, a huge chunk of the massive cost it is for egg donation, is a weight lifted! Whilst so many people can make a baby for free, for us it has cost well over £20,000 so far and this will cost around another £12,000 in total. Infertility is expensive, not only financially, but the sheer cost physically and mentally too. Everyone has been so touched by Billy's story and our journey to get to love him, that they donated towards the possibility of our rainbow baby. This child isn't just going to have us bringing them into the world, those who have donated will have helped to give us our rainbow.

I have recently set up an Instagram page 'IVF been through it', following fellow infertility warriors and posting my story. Its a supportive network of fellow hopeful mums in the making, whenever I need to turn to it. It's true that only people who have walked in your shoes know how you feel! This is proving to be helpful in every way. In a post I used the sentence “I’m a superhero mummy in the making”. I am having to show my strength, my inner power, my invincibility to carry on. Just when I thought that the story was over, I’m coming back with my sequel! This time it's not just one superhero, it's 2 superhero women, creating one super baby! Whether it works or fails, whoever the egg donor may be, she’ll always be my wonder woman!