#27 1 for sorrow, 2 for joy.....

Well, how do I say this without being over dramatic?! The last 6 weeks have been, umm, ‘challenging’. I've learnt the ability to be completely aware of having an unnecessary tantrum, whilst being completely irrational, crying sad tears and laughing at myself at the very same time. IVF, you really are a cruel mother F*cker!!! (I also have no control of what comes out of my mouth!! Can you tell? I decided to keep the swearing in as it made me laugh when I said it out loud, typing about my meltdown.)

So the medication:-

• The Norethisterone sent me like a “friendlier” Devil. One minute I was smiling and laughing, the next minute I had no control over my temper. Fortunately only my husband witnessed it, but I’m sure he may not feel quite the same way! It can't be that bad though, we are still “us”. Still 2 big kids in complete and utter love with each other.

• The Suprecur/Buserelin injections has made me feel like crap, I swear that I had milder pregnancy symptoms!! Basically, I’ve been put into the menopause, lack of sleep, hideous moods, no patience, brain fog, hot flushes, and I swear I could even forget my own name right now! The headaches have been continuous now for nearly 6 weeks and paracetamol or keeping on top of fluids doesn't even touch them. There have been days where the hormones have made me sit and cry for no reason, those are the days I hate. I recently sat on my Instagram IVF page and showed what those days look like. That particular day was also the Wave Of Light which didn't help, and a triple whammy as it was also the same day last year that my eggs were removed and Billy's embryo was created. I think I spent 3 hours in continuous tears. One day my hubby even asked me “fancy a brew” which I started welling up, because I didn’t know if I did. We obviously both laughed at this reaction. You have to laugh at IVF!!

• The Progynova I’ve now been on for over a week, it has made me feel pretty rough, but then again, it could just be the additional meds on top of weeks of the others. Weight gain, nausea, bloated, feeling faint, stomach pain, tiredness, and I'm not even pregnant YET. I say yet because I've never been more certain that It's going to work!!

After my bleeding from the Norethisterone, we had my scan with our Doctor. We really do think a lot of him and wouldn't have anybody else looking after us. He is still certain that I will carry our child! After sitting down in his office, it was time for my date with wanda. My internal scan. He was smiling as he looked at the screen, waving his hand at the picture of my womb saying “its beautiful, its textbook”. He was extremely happy that everything was looking as it should be. I had been doing everything I could, diet wise, exercise, well being and acupuncture, so I felt very proud!

This whole egg donation process however is in complete unknown territory for us. This will be our 6th fertility treatment if you include the IUI and our 5th ICSI, safe to say we are no strangers to this particular journey ahead, but the whole travelling abroad part is the only thing in this that makes us a little nervous. We are just trying to take it all in our stride. We have had to have a counselling session with the clinic to make sure we are OK with the whole egg donor process and understand the outcomes. He was very impressed that we had done our research and managed to put our minds at rest with any tiny concerns creeping in. The clinic has been extremely supportive too. Only too happy to answer any questions and we are also in contact already with the Cyprus clinic, who have been so very helpful with all the constantly changing rules.

The rules are to us ‘as clear as mud’, the government is saying one thing, the flight company is saying another and the clinic are also saying slightly differently. The whole travelling side has recently been the most stressful part. We can't do any more, we have done everything we can to cover our own backs. We honestly just want to be there now!

I have now had my final scan before we fly. My endometrial lining is at 8.3mm, so all is well there (they don't really want to see it under 6mm). The medication has been doing its job. It's looking nice and thick and no big egg follicles causing any problems. My fibroid still hasn't grown or caused any problems. I’m all ready! Just hope our lovely lady wherever she may be has been looking after those little eggies for us too. I have to keep taking the medication until the Cyprus clinic tells us otherwise and I will start my pessaries after my husband has done his ‘part’.

I know egg donation is not for everyone, but this really is the best way for us to have our baby we’ve dreamed of for too long. It's still very difficult when people ask you “why don't you just adopt?” At the end of the day, we will never completely rule that out. But we want to try every last chance we can to experience carrying our baby again. Something that was ripped horrendously away from us! A couple of weeks ago, we went back to the same beach that we ventured to after another sad scan appointment with Billy at around 20 weeks. It felt peculiar to stand looking into the sunset again. Last time we stood there knowing that there was heartache ahead of us. Now, I stood there with tears in my eyes and sorrow in my heart for what we lost, but we stood there smiling, looking out at the view with the thoughts and prospect of a happier future ahead of us. They are my favourite moments in life. The moments where we stand hand in hand together looking out at the world and having no idea of time passing us by.

I keep seeing 1 magpie everywhere i go at the moment, on dog walks you will see me looking frantically all around me to try and find my 2nd magpie with him for "2 for joy". Its just not happening. I'm hoping that its saving itself for the day we fly to wave me off. That's my sign I'm looking for! My hope. All based on bleedin Magpies!...See I'm losing my marbles!

I know that quite a few of you follow my blogs. I've said it before and I will say it again, it is my therapy. My intention was to log all the IVF details years ago, but because of the way our story unfolded, it's become a bit of a diary. I build up things in my brain and it's always a relief to put the thoughts in order. To try and make sense of the words I hear in my head when I bottle things up or think things over! I then read it back, like I'm reading about someone else's life. It's bizarre! I've done the same with my youtube vlog about creating Billy, I've watched that video back many times and cried my eyes out at the sad broken woman trying to hold it together, whilst telling you all about her journey to her miracle boy. It's like something doesn't click that it's me, that it's our story.

I get so much benefit from my writing. I get so much benefit from your messages of support. It's not just the 2 of us on this journey, I know that so many of you all are too. Let's make this the happy ending we have all been waiting for!... Make a wish up to the sky for us. Zoe and Ben xx