#28 Please let this be our turn....

The excitement started rushing through me as soon as my alarm went off the morning of our flight. We are off to make our baby. The last 7 weeks of medication has now finally been for this reason. To make the perfect home for our embryo/embryos and that's exactly what I've done. My body is well and truly ready. But not as much as my heart.

Once we arrived at the hotel, it really hit me. This is it. This has felt like a lifetime in coming around, but was actually a wait of only 3 months! We had one day to settle in and the next day was the clinic day. We arrived at an immaculate Hospital and as the sliding elevator doors opened at our floor, the atmosphere in the clinic was electric. Pictures of Dr. HiT were on the wall like a he was celebrity (and he is in the fertility world!), a mixture of other couples about to start their exciting new journey like us and couples who were heavily pregnant and coming to the end of their journey. A couple that were sat directly behind us on our plane were already sat waiting when we arrived. I automatically went to wave, but could tell from their body language that they didn't want to be acknowledged there. Just because I'm open and honest with our journey doesn't mean that everyone is, some couples find it hard to admit they need help. This was clearly that case.

I couldn't stop staring at a ladies bump from the far end of the corridor. She was no spring chicken, let me tell you, yet she had clearly got to full term, it filled me with even more hope than I was already feeling! My husband got called off to partake in his 'part'. This is when I suddenly felt very alone, a feeling I hadn't prepared myself for. Normally at this stage, I'm getting dressed in a gown and preparing myself to have my eggs removed, today, I was sat looking out a window fighting a lump in my throat at the thought that I had no part in today. An emotion only made worse by the huge amount of hormones pumping through me! I soon gave myself a kick up the arse and braved a smile when my husband arrived back to me.

We were taken into an office where we were talked through all the fine tooth comb details and all the paperwork by the most loveliest of nurses who was also our contact for the whole time whilst we were out there. She even planned our taxis for the airport and clinic journeys! We couldn't have asked for anyone better, she was so supportive! Our plan was in place. The next day we would find out how many eggs had been donated and fertilised and there would be a wait until day 3 for an update and another wait for day 5 for the last update when we would arrive for the transfer.

As with any IVF treatment, the days were long! The first few days, the weather was gloomy, but as soon as we started receiving the news, the weather brightened, its a sign I said smiling from ear to ear! Our donor donated us 10 eggs, all 10 fertilised! In all the years, we have never had 100% fertilisation rate, so this just went to prove that this was the right decision to do! The long wait for day 3 came around, I warned my husband to expect a couple of drop offs, but we had 7 top quality and 3 poorer quality still all growing away! All 10 were still going!!! To say we were buzzing would be an understatement!

We arrived at the clinic on the day of our transfer not knowing what the plan of action is to be. How many have we got? How many should we put in? How many are left to be frozen? We were taken to a room that puts any Hospital I've ever been in to shame! It was more like a suite and bigger than the size of our hotel room! I was asked to get into a black surgical gown and surgical hat whilst the nurse found out the last update for us. She came back and our smiles were suddenly wiped from our faces.

In the last 2 days our 10 embryos went to 3. 1 of them being a very late stage of what they would like to see. That left us 1 good quality and 1 poor quality.

Not to bore you with the details, but embryos are graded 1-6, 6 best and A-C A best. Ours were showing as a 3AA and a 2BB.

1. Blastocoel cavity is 1/3 the volume of the embryo

2. Blastocoel cavity is 1/2 the volume of the embryo

3. Full blastocyst is 80%, completely filling the embryo

4. Expanded blastocyst, the cavity is larger than the embryo; the shell is thinning

5. Expanded blastocyst, beginning to hatch out of the shell

6. Expanded blastocyst, fully emerged from the shell.

The first letter represents the inner mass of cells, and the second letter the outer mass cells.

So ours to reciprocate are 3AA and 2BB

You should never cling on to gradings, but they give you a good insight as to what to expect. We instantly chose to put both in. We were advised not to freeze just 1 as the expense isn't worth it, especially if the thawing process fails. It was a no brainer, putting the both in was the right decision, we didn't even really discuss it. Our nurse left the room and we both fell silent. Just staring at each other. My husband didn't move from the sofa and I didn't move from the bed. We just fell numb and quiet. It wasn't the outcome we were expecting or hoping for. We knew how hard it was to make blastocysts, but 2 days ago, we knew 7 were looking great, we thought we would have at least 1 top quality and would have a back up plan of frozen embryos. The nurse did kindly inform us that they have frozen half of my husbands sample, so if we wanted to come back it wouldn't be the full amount again for a fresh round again, infact it would cost the same to try again as it would a frozen egg transfer, but it still didn't soften the blow. There was no time for negativity though. I told myself that we made our son with only 1 embryo that's all it takes! It just takes 1 good one and that's what we've got, with another little 1 for company!

A foreign lady came in with a wheelchair and pointed for me to sit in it, she placed a blanket around my shoulders and before I knew it, we were being wheeled off in an elevator. When the doors opened Ben was pointed at to sit in the corner of a corridor, and I was whisked off down the corridor. Once I got to the end my lovely English nurse was waiting for me, she explained that to the left was the top of the range lab and to the right was the transfer room. We waited as another woman was wheeled out, they most certainly have the most incredible system in place and the attention to detail was incredible, they were "Zoe clean". But it soon made my heart beat a little harder when I noticed there were no partners. When my husband was pointed at, I presumed they were to get him prepared and ready for the transfer, but there is no time for that here. When I was wheeled away, little did I know, that was the last time I would see my husband before our embryos would be in their new home. I fought another lump in my throat as I realised I was about to experience our beginning of our new chapter without him. I was soon wheeled in and asked to sit on the bed with my legs in the stirrups. Once they made sure I was the right person and they had the right embryos, I was ready. Then from above the crease in the blanket covering what remained of any modesty possible, there was the eyes of the celebrity, there was Dr HiT. His success rate is something incredible, I believe its 80%. And here he was placing a long catheter up through me and placing our 2 embryos perfectly in my womb. I watched the screen and was passed a print out of the embryos being placed, I was then wheeled out and lying down in the bed I had no idea where I was anymore or where my husband was. As we got into the lift suddenly I saw my husbands confused face, I couldn't speak and passed him the picture.

Back in our beautiful room I talked my husband through everything that went on and we shared a beautiful kiss. I had to lay down there for 30 minutes, unlike in the UK where they tell you to have a wee and be on your way. I had a bladder full and had no idea how long had passed when my nurse came in still confused to see me knees up lying on the bed still in my surgicals, it gave everyone a good laugh though when i popped to the toilet bursting for my wee as it had been over 45 minutes, peeing like a carthorse! We were given our paperwork and told the do's and the don'ts, and the official tests days. Our taxi was here to collect us, we thanked everyone, full of smiles and admiration. That was it. All done. Now chill time as much as possible before our flight back home the next day.

There was a little bit of cramping that night, but that's to be expected, you've just had a foreign object poked up inside an area that wouldn't. The next day a few more twinges and cramps. Fortunately our flight was a late one so we had pretty much most of the second day to lie around the pool before the flight took off. Once home another day of cramping followed. I was convinced that this was a good sign and that this must be implantation! Nausea, cramps, fatigue, sore boobs insomnia all good side effects, but sadly my medications have been upped and these are all the key side effects to the drugs. The bloating is unreal, I look like I'm 3 months pregnant again!

I stupidly got excited and since joining my IVF community on Instagram, day in day out you see people posting their early tests with their faint line's growing to their clear positives. I did it too. But there is no faint line. No matter how you hold it up to the light, no matter what angle or distance you try to see it, it's not there. Just 1 line, NOT PREGNANT. Beyond disappointed in myself for testing early and heartbreakingly disappointed in the result. I've never EVER tested early. In all fairness, I've only ever once got to the stage of testing before bleeding. But still.

My official test day isn't until next Saturday. I will not test again until then. Its not worth the tears that fall, just in case it's still trying with all it's last mite to continue to grow. My HCG levels should now begin to double daily. But if it hasn't implanted by now, it won't. Come on, please grow. Now more than ever, I don't want to be known as that "Strong Lady" anymore. I want to be known as that "Pregnant Mummy To Be".

Ps, I'm still on the lookout for my 2 magpies.