# 30 Yet ANOTHER debrief and the dread of Christmas!

Another day, another failed round, another debrief. 11 days after the official pregnancy test day, we got to speak to our consultant here in Liverpool. A 3 way zoom call, as my husband is now away for work. Normally he's always sitting beside me, holding my hand, but this time I had to put on my big girl pants and try to control my hormones and hide my tears that fell. Our consultant has a soft spot for us, he took time out of his evening off to speak to us, as I’m now back to work too and trying to find an appointment where we were all free was impossible. He was truly gutted for us (which didn't help my tears). I will try and fill you in with the details as quickly as possible and without boring you with too much detail. To fill you in and remind you...

• 10 eggs is the minimum that they guarantee in the Crown Cyprus clinic, 10 is what we got from our donor, so we had the lowest number which he was slightly disappointed with.

• My husband's sample was the best he has ever provided. 18 million, doubling in previous rounds and with better quality swimmers. Our consultant put us both on Impryl vitamins for the 3 months build up to this round. So we can highly recommend those tablets to anyone who is struggling with infertility!

• The 3 embryos that were left on the day of transfer were of a poor quality that my consultant was extremely dissatisfied with. The 3AA he agreed was an Ok quality, but was not what he was hoping for and the 2BB and the other one that was discarded were complete and utter disappointments!!

• 43 injections, 180 tablets, 57 pessaries, gave me a perfect womb, but we still didn't have the perfect embryo with donated eggs.

• This is when the mind games start...Because the round was so poor and we have nothing frozen waiting for us, this round is still NOT OVER. They used half of my husband's sample and froze the remainder. The Cyprus clinic offers a FROZEN EMBRYO GUARANTEE. So they are now sourcing us a different donor to use with the remainder of my husband's sample. If we have embryos that make it to blastocysts, they will then be frozen and we will have another opportunity to try again down the line when we can. So right now our consultant is trying to contact the clinic to try and make sure that our donor is thoroughly checked and he is satisfied. The creation of the embryos is already paid for, as it's still guaranteed under the same round we've just had, but we will have to pay for the medication again, the flights, the accommodation and the cost to transfer the embryo/s.

• Right now we are in yet another limbo. Waiting. Hoping. Dreaming that we will have another chance. We need those new embryos to grow better, stronger and hopefully have more possibilities to use in the future. You think that when you go down this path, you are going to have a better chance of success. But once again, luck wasn't on our side.

• The Go Fund Me donated is still in use! Thanks to everyone who has given us this chance, it's still not over!

Life….

It’s been torture. It's strange what grief can do. The loss of hope. The failing. The constant reminders. This year has been one I wish I could erase, starting from New Years Eve, and I already want Christmas to be over! This time last year, I was 9 weeks pregnant and pinching myself that my dream was finally coming true. In love with someone I hadn't met or even felt yet. Little did we know that 16 weeks later it would all become our worst nightmare. This year, I have placed a picture of our sleeping son on our tree beside the ‘bumps first christmas’ ornament i excitedly got last year. It wasn't bumps first Christmas, it was his only Christmas. It wasn't supposed to be how this year should have gone.

When you go through the grief of failed rounds, it brings back what you lost. In the last 2 weeks, I've re-lived going through childbirth more times than I can count. I picture Billy lying in his cold cot, still willing for him to move or open his eyes or to imagine the sound of his cry. It's hell knowing that my only experience of a successful pregnancy after 10 years and 5 rounds of IVF results in a baby that suffered and soldiered on as long as he could. The stupid thing is, I would give anything to live it again. To be his mum. To have my meaning. To feel him. To love him. I would go through it all again just to hold him once more. To take more pictures, because I only have the same few pictures to look at. I would hug him, smell him, kiss him and never let him go.

Christmas has been something I've always struggled with! Losing my Mum, Auntie and Dad to cancer within 10 years was totally unbearable. That's what I thought anyway. When you then lose your Son on top, that's when I realised it could be worse after all! Christmas is hard. Christmas this year is harder than hard. Last Christmas with the pandemic meant that not only was I pregnant and ecstatic, but my husband was out of work for the first Christmas in 14 years, we had hardly any income but we were happy and we were together, slow dancing most days to ‘Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas’. I'm back to being on my own staring at a tree with my angels, crying every time I hear the song and wishing the season away!

Before my husband left for London, we popped out for coffee. I took a seat at the only table available. As I sat there I looked around me, to the left, straight ahead and my right was all feeding babies. You can't get away from it. We came home and put the TV on, adverts full of parents, children, grandparents, families all enjoying Christmas. Safe to say, I had a melt down. My hormones are still through the roof!!

Social media is a struggle all year round. I'm ashamed to admit that I have had to unfollow the majority of my friends and family. I have a long list in my search bar that I check in on days when I'm strong enough to see their lives and their happy families. I then like/comment so I don't feel like such a bad person! When social media like Facebook first came out, it was full of drunken nights out, days out exploring and fun and frolics. Life changes. Now home screens and posts are pictures of babies, children, pregnancy announcements and families. Nearly each and every one has turned into picture after picture after picture of proud pregnancies or baby pics. I don't blame them, I would too!!!

I honestly and wholeheartedly thought that we would be pregnant again this winter. It still angers me that its so natural to have sex and make a baby. Yet, we can't.

PLEASE If you know anyone who has gone through ANY kind of form of loss/heartache. Send them a message this festive season. It doesn't even need to be long. A simple “thinking of you” goes further than you realise. Don't worry if they don't reply. For there is such a thing as feeling lonely, yet not wanting anyone. I've had many times where I have cried a river about how lonely I am, but if the phone calls I just stare at it and don't answer.

THANK YOU to everyone who has supported us this year. Next year is our year, it has to be xxxxxx