#31 The Frozen Embryo Guarantee Round

After the clinic had informed us that they were offering us the frozen embryo guarantee, the dream still wasn't over. We were clinging on to any hope given to us. When I received the message informing us that our new donor would be having her eggs retrieved on 13th December, excitement and anxiety started running through me. This time, it's very surreal knowing that we had nothing to do with it, nor were we even in the same country. My husband's sample was split from our round in Cyprus and had been frozen, so we were not required at all to be there.

I eagerly awaited to hear the news. 13 eggs were retrieved and 12 fertilised. Then we had a very long wait of a week to discover that three blastocysts were made. Two were sadly unusable. Leaving just one embryo graded as a 3BB (worse than our best one last time.) The fact that we had one to freeze and thawing isn't always guaranteed to work at the time of transfer when an embryo is frozen, was not the news we wanted to hear! Far from it!! This news hit me hard.

Its a natural instinct to ask why. Why didn't it make more blastocysts? Why are we having so many drop off's after an initial good fertilisation?

The clinic is still adamant that my husbands sample is adequate. There is no answer to "why?"

I broke my heart out messaging back and forth our contact at the clinic in Cyprus, as she was asking me what we would like to do? Would we like to attempt to freeze the one 3BB for the transfer in the future? Or disregard this round? Knowing how expensive it is to go through an entire round again and worrying about how much I know I never want to give up, I started to find it all overwhelming. Crying through all the many thoughts, scenarios and dreams shattered all over again, I couldn't think straight. I gave myself a moment of 'not replying' when a message I hadn't expected came through. They were offering us another attempt as they were not happy with the results. Our doctor from Liverpool and the Dr from Cyprus both agreed that they would keep going until they are happy that we have some embryos to freeze. This turned my heartbroken tears into tears of happiness. We are known as a "special couple and a special case". I couldn't thank them enough!!

I went to bed that evening emotionally exhausted. I've been struggling to get through the last couple of weeks and this week in particular anxiety on top has been tough. Christmas is supposed to be a time for Family. Mine are angels. Mum, dad, and now my Son. I lose many minutes in a day staring into space as I imagine what our first Christmas with our Son could have been like. Should have been like. I close my eyes and try to remember what it was like to hold him in my arms. The touch of his skin. Wondering what it would be like to hold him now?!

Unfortunately I woke the next morning with worse anxiety. I had received a message. "The clinic have just informed me they have no more of your husband's sperm." After breaking down into instant tears, the confusion of 'how this wasn't discovered the day before' took over. Then confusion turned to anger and anger turned back to concerns.

That leaves us now needing to go back to Cyprus for my husband to provide a sample again and for me to hopefully have the transfer whilst out there. Its going to cost nearly £4000 now plus flights and accommodation to not know if we will have any embryos again, rather than the full embryo guarantee we had been expecting by not needing to be there. With a pandemic taking over again and age and time ticking, I just don't know what to think.

With IVF and failed rounds, it can send your body a little bit out of whack. I got my notification on my phone, 'your period is due today'. It didn't come. Then the next day, no show, or the next day, or the next day... I started wondering, could it actually be? We've always been told we can't conceive naturally, but maybe this is fate? Maybe this is our Christmas miracle, our gift from our Billy. Just when I had decided if on Christmas Eve, if it still hadn't shown itself, I would take a test and give my husband the news Christmas morning.... but that's what happens to normal people. That's what happens to everyone else but NOT us. On the evening of day 31 on my cycle, there came the dreaded red. The reminder of the one thing I can't do, can't have. No Christmas miracle.

I would just like to take this moment to try again to give some advice on fertility/grief. You do not need to give any wise words to anyone who is going through it. If they choose to talk to you about it, listening is help in itself. There is no cure to infertility or grief. Everyone is unique. And PLEASE don't tell them "they can always adopt". That person that you have said those words to have put themselves through so very much to try and have THEIR baby. Their loss. Their pain. Their decisions, not your opinions. If adoption is something they still want to do, they will! Trust me. Its not always about 'having' a child. It's about a couple wanting 'their' child. They will have discussed it more than you can even imagine! Trust me!!

Just be there.

I'm not going to lie. I've experienced many difficult years in my life. Cancer has played its part!!! But this year has been a living hell. A year that has changed me as a person, a year that lost 'me'. I recieve many messages of how strong people think I am, tell me how inspirational I am. There are many days I cry because I wake up. I am not strong. I am not inspirational. I just carry on, because I don't have a choice.

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas and a massive THANKYOU to everyone who has supported us, read our story and of course donated to our Go Fund Me, to Claire House Children's Hospice and 4 Louis Bereavement Boxes throughout this toughest year.

Here's to a happier 2022 for us all!!!!

I've still not given up on Baby Nickless. 2022 PLEASE be our year!