#32 Somewhere over the Rainbow...

The next plan of action is in place. We are all systems go to try again... I'm beginning to lose count at how many attempts we have had! Let's see. 1 failed IUI , 2 failed ICSI, 1 successful IMSI, 1 failed IMSI, 1 failed egg donation, so shall we call this 7th time lucky?? Whilst everyone is still expecting their babies, getting pregnant, accidently getting pregnant (grrrrr), and holding their new born babies, watching their children grow up, I'm still sat here wondering if my delivery stork is actually Erroll the owl!?!

So after a meeting with our consultant, the plan is in action, yet we don't quite know what that action is actually going to be. We have the 1 frozen embryo and 2 EBs (early blastocysts) that the clinic have kindly frozen for us in December, as disappointed as we were, it still blows my mind that they created them in Cyprus whilst we were here in England.

We have an egg donor set up again and my husband will provide yet another sample to use once more so that we have a back up plan whilst we are out there to freeze for future use. Whether they use the 1 embryo we currently have frozen (if it thaws ok) or have the fresh cycle transfered is yet to be seen. But for now, the long road of medication has started and our journey is far from over. We keep saying "THIS YEAR IS OUR YEAR". It has to be, right?

I'm not going to lie. Seeing in the new year taught me that I was not OK. I've learnt over my years of grief to paint on a face and put on a good act. But in the new year, I crumbled. I could no longer tell myself "I've got this". I would get into bed at night and have thoughts that I didn't want to wake up... I knew this was wrong. So I put on my big girl pants and rang the doctors. A couple of months on now and I think of everything I need to do tomorrow when I get into bed. I have come to terms with the fact I unfortunately am not superwoman. I don't have a Cape. I have a blanket that I surround myself under, on the sofa. I break. I'm not invincible. Christmas and new year was my Kryptonite. Whilst filling out our 2022 calendar, I came across Billy's birthday. Of all the days, this year it falls on Mother's day. To say I broke down in tears is an understatement. I've spoken to a few friends about it, it's always a relief when they say comforting words, rather than trying to put a brighter look on the day. For anyone who has lost their mum will know how hard that day is. Let's face it, it's not even a day is it, emails, radio jingles, posters, restaurants are all filled with this day for weeks and weeks. For those of you who got close to being a mum but have empty arms, I also now feel your pain. To have neither, hmm yeah, it's hard!!! I'm a person who relives past memories. I've never learnt to stop them from creeping in. To give birth to Billy was the best and worst moment of my life. I relive it every day. I recently read that when you're pregnant, the cells of the baby migrate into the mothers bloodstream it’s called “fetal-maternal microchimerism”.⁠ So whilst I don't have my son, he is always with me and I was always with my mum.

Friends always try to comfort you saying "you are a mum", but the reality is I'm not. I can't kiss my growing baby goodnight, I can't hear them cry, I can't kiss it better, I can't make them laugh. I cuddle a bear full of ash's. I'm not a "mum"...Yet.

Somewhere over the rainbow, are the dreams that I dream of.