# 33 , Here we go again...

When I sit down to write these blogs I have normally created most of the sentences in my head when my brian drifts into constant thoughts, or most often when I can't sleep. This particular one I have written SO much in my head, filled with excitement and good luck signs. I thought I would have to break it down into a couple of blogs, but here we are. Here goes.

It was decided to leave the 3BB in the freezer and create new embryos by having a transfer of a fresh cycle of different donor eggs. It was ABSOLUTELY the right call to make. My husband's sample was good and our wonderful anonymous egg donor (who is a performing arts graduate, perfect hey), well even more perfect, as she gave us 13 eggs. On day 1 all 13 had fertilised. On day 3 all 13 were still growing, 8 were top quality and 5 were medium quality. Now this is where I should continue telling you the day 5 results, but I'm going to leave you hanging for a short while whilst I explain to you the significance of the number 8.

Whilst walking our dog through a local park, we saw my magpies i search for, 8 magpies to be precise in a field clustered together. When I searched google for what the significance of 8 meant I was overjoyed to read “8 is for a wish”, well you don't need me to tell you what my biggest wish I could wish for is!! I excitedly texted my husband. Whilst putting in our order he was given the order number that was placed on his tray, 8. He came back with the biggest smile on his face, which I found hysterical because I'm the superstitious one in our relationship! The next week we were telling our friend all about the number 8 whilst we were playing one of our favourite games, Rummikub. They told me to pick out the number 8, which in a whole pack of tiles that were faced down, I picked the number 8. Whilst playing Uno on another occasion, my hubby told me to pick the number 8 from the entire pack. I did. We definitely felt like 8 was playing a massive part in some good luck coming our way for us! When we arrived at our hotel for the first meal, the waiter sat us at a table, you guessed it, table 8! We had 8 top quality embryos, of course we did! 8! My transfer was booked in to arrive at 8am. Cool huh?!

So getting back to the actual detailed information. On day 5 we no longer had 8 top quality embryos. We had 9! With 4 medium quality. On the last round, we had a massive drop off. Here we are on day 5 with all 13 still. We could not believe our luck. Our wish was coming true. I think I actually asked our nurse “are you joking!”. It was not a big or long decision, it took all of a glance and big grins at each other to know we both wanted to put 2 in. The nurse laughed as she told us she had already told the lab that we would want to.

As we had already gone through the Cyprus Crown IVF process, this time it was even more relaxed and we felt much more at ease with what was going on and what was coming next. I was taken through to the transfer room where my husband could not join me, but this time I was prepared for. The embryologist reiterated to me that I was having 2 top quality embryos transferred which still had me feeling overjoyed. After another long few minutes of my legs in the stirrups, a clamp keeping me open and a catheter placed up through my cervix to my womb, our beautiful embryos were now where they were meant to be and in their new home. We were so excited!!! We left the clinic still smiling from ears to ears and still slightly in shock. We had hoped for one AA quality. We had four AAs, 2 of which are now inside of me. FOR THE FIRST TIME in all the rounds we have done we have FROSTIES! 9 made it to the freezer and 2 were disregarded. We have never had such an outcome! We joked that we probably wouldn’t even need them, because this round is going to work!

Once back at the lovely hotel we were staying at, I had a nice long nap under the parasol of the sun lounger. We had great food and drink, they even had decaf coffee. Everything was great!! Everything was perfect. Everything was falling into place for us. In the mornings I could lie in bed and watch the sun rise. Every day was beautiful. I had a tiny light bleed on day 2, which I thought was too early for an implantation bleed, reading up, it was most likely just my cervix being knocked form the transfer. I had lots and lots of cramps and was very tired. This is when IVF can be cruel. My cyclogest pessaries had now gone from 2 - 3 and my Progynova had gone from 3 - 4. These meds can make you feel pregnant anyway. My bloat was the biggest and worst yet, my tummy had even gone hard like it did in my pregnancy. Urinating regularly. My breasts are swollen and enlarged. Nausea. Fatigue. One week after the transfer I had a small brown spotting in my panty liner. This filled me with excitement. I was convinced it had worked.

I'm sure you don't have to be a rocket scientist to work out where this is going…

The clinic asks you to do 2 tests. One day 12 and if negative a repeat on day 14. I have now had 2 negative tests on both days. This round is now over. 10 weeks of medications, injections, tablets, pessaries, our heart and soul. It’s over.

How? I was told my womb looked perfect. On the last scan over a week before the transfer, it was showing as triple layer and 8.7mm thick. Ideal. We had 2 perfect grade 4AA embryos put inside. We hoped that 1 if not both would stick! We really thought and felt like this was it. This was really really really going to work. The other side of the rainbow, our dream was coming our way, we thought.

I am desperately searching for answers why implantation is not taking place for us. Seeking advice or evidence why embryos don't stick. In all the rounds we have done, 5 transfers have taken place. 8 embryos have been transferred. Only 1 stuck. That one was a baby that had a chromosome mutation that was classed as De Novo. Bad luck. Now we are using egg donors, embryos are created. Good quality embryos. But we still can’t make a baby. They just don't stick. How is it possible for people to get pregnant naturally????? The jealousy is consuming. Everything that has been placed inside of me has died. Billy included.

We have asked for a consultation with our Dr. We know you can never guarantee a pregnancy with IVF, but we are just not getting anywhere. Am I just that inhospitable? Is there something wrong with my endometrium? Do I need a hysteroscopy? Is my estrogen / progesterone levels ok? Do the embryos need testing? I just want answers. My natural instinct has always been to try again. This time it is different. I'm feeling defeated. I'm feeling broken. Why does it not work for us? Why can’t we be parents? Why can’t I carry our baby? Why ?