# 34, What do we do next?...

I was hoping to never have to write a follow up consultation breakdown ever again. I really and honestly thought that this round was the one we would bring home our baby. Everything was going right for us for once. Yet, here we are, still looking at what the next step should be...

On the 3rd May, 2 and a half weeks on from our failed OTD (official test day) we were finally sitting in our consultant's office. In this 2 week wait, I've gone through every emotion you possibly can. I went back to work, but my hormones were all over the place, all I could do for quite a few days was sit and cry, the tears felt like they were endless. Not helped by a very uncomfortable conversation with my gp. I felt lost, hopeless and confused, so I decided to tell my Doctor that I was struggling to understand it all. I asked if there was anything they could do, any tests, examinations or know of any complications I could have that we may need to look into. The response I got was "No". As I had my 1 unsuccessful go on the NHS quite a while ago and have chosen to go private, they could not help. Only after 3 miscarriages will they look into investigating me. What happened to our son was not an unknown miscarriage.

Our consultant is beyond disappointed it didn't work this time for us too. But he kept reminding us that we have 9 embryos waiting for us in Cyprus. A massive achievement as we've never had frosties as a back up after a transfer. He also reminded us that, that not every embryo will implant, but having 9 gives us a good shot of getting 1 successful pregnancy.

I told him of all the pregnancy symptoms I was still feeling and he thinks it was highly likely that as I had a small amount of spotting, it could have been possible that an embryo tried implanting itself, however was unsuccessful to continue and could have been a chemical pregnancy. That was a hard sentence to hear.

I'm still struggling to get my head around my body at the moment. I feel like I'm having a phantom pregnancy. My boobs are bigger, I have nausea, exhaustion and my stomach is bloated and hard. I have taken pregnancy tests recently, but as expected, they are negative. I had my bleed a few days after my medication stopped, so we knew I'm not pregnant. But I can't explain it. Is it the hormones still? Is this what happens after an early chemical pregnancy loss?? Even sat writing this 1 week on from our consultation, I'm still confused as to what's going on right now in my body.

With the build up to the appointment I'd been my typical self and searched far and wide on the internet to get a grasp of what we may need to do next before our appointment was due, so that I could be prepared. My husband and I have both agreed that we don't won't to rush into another round without ruling out anything. I had read that there is normally only two reasons why an embryo doesn't implant,

1. There is a chromosome problem with the embryo.

2. There is a problem with the lining of the endometrium.

As Billy had such a rare chromosome mutation, this has made us uneasy. However they still continue to tell us what happened to Billy was pure 'bad luck'.

So that leaves my lining. I had done some research and was expecting to be told I would need EMMA, ALICE and ERA testing, which according to local clinics would have set us back around a grand! However my consultant didn't agree.

He told us he would much rather look into the possibility of it being 'Natural Killer Cells'. If it turns out to be the case he will treat me with Intralipids. A medication through an IV drip.

So, let's try to explain this... Some types of infertility may be caused by a slightly overactive immune system. When this occurs the immune system can attack an egg, sperm, embryo and even a developing fetus. This can result in difficulty achieving pregnancy, maintaining the pregnancy, or repeated miscarriages.

Natural killer (NK) cells are regulated by the immune system. In women who have

autoimmune issues, the NK cells can react abnormally to an implanting embryo,

treating it as an invading cell and signalling for the body to attack it.

It has been found that intralipids can help to regulate the NK cells, allowing the embryo to implant on the uterine wall and grow normally. Women who have experienced recurrent miscarriages or multiple failed IUI or IVF cycles as a result of NK cell activation may benefit from the use of intralipids.

Just to be tested for the Natural Killer Cells costs nearly £1500. Yep, you read that right!!! Thats without the intralipids treatment on top if required. This is when I realised we were completely and utterly in a catch 22 situation!!

•We could NOT do as he recommends, trying to save money and just go again...which could still fail.

•Or we could do the tests and they come back clear, which would have cost us a lot with no explanation still.

•If we test and it comes back that I have it, then it will be worth every penny.

Its a tricky one. But ultimately we don't really want to look back with any regrets.

My husband and I are both very aware how lucky we are to have each other. You hear stories of relationships struggling and breaking whilst suffering heartache. We may be unlucky in fertility, but we are incredibly lucky in love. At present, our minds are on the same page. We will look into investigations. Ultimately we will try to throw everything but the kitchen sink into this, I will do whatever it takes to look into our child's eyes. I never saw Billy's, he was angelically asleep. I'll never forget staring at our beautiful boy, willing for him to move or breathe as he layed so peacefully in his cold cot. I don't know whether I was still in shock, or just not willing to accept it. But in that moment I never wanted anything more!!! I remember holding his ice cold hand with tears falling like running taps from my eyes, whispering to him "Can I keep you".

We have lots going on at the moment, but our son is what keeps us going. Billy was and will always be our little hero. If he taught us anything in life, it was to keep fighting!