#35 The Phantom of this Limbo...

I know I've been a bit quiet on the updating front. It's because I've had to learn to deal with it first.

I briefly and light heartedly mentioned in my last blog that I was having some phantom pregnancy symptoms. They continued to persist which I found extremely distressing. My Gp wouldn't help me initially, he told me it sounded like it was just hormones from my previous failed IVF and to speak to my private consultant as that's who I had been dealing with.

Fortunately my consultant was a lot more sympathetic and as soon as I walked into his room, he could see my bump that looked 4 months pregnant, which his words were "whoa". Nausea, exhaustion, sore tender breasts and cramps were getting the better of me. I was given a scan by my lovely consultant and he put my mind at rest, my marbles are still completely in tact and congratulated me that I'm in all honesty very in control of my emotions with what we have/are going through. As expected there was no baby. But he sat me down and told me he suspected it was most definitely a phantom pregnancy as everything looked well and normal in there. Even though I KNOW I'm not pregnant, it doesn't stop my brain and body WANTING to be. The brain is an extremely powerful thing. It was creating a pregnancy that I so badly wanted. Needed. Since then my Gp has put me in contact with the mental health team at the surgery, who unlike him, have been extremely helpful.

This was also a build up to one of the biggest moments of my husband's career. He was about to be on the live shows of Britain's Got Talent. Here I was going through my own new hell whilst trying to support him on his opportunity of a big break. My body was nearly 3 weeks late with its menstrual cycle. It was an extremely emotional time. I was since told by someone who saw me on TV and thought I had put on some weight. Needless to say how that felt to hear.

Thankfully symptoms are slowly easing and I feel I'm getting back to myself gradually. I have however begun to shut myself off pretty much completely from friends and family. It hurts less when I do. The way I see it, I don't want to be a broken record. Life still hasn't changed for us. But when I talk to family or friends, someone is always pregnant or all that is spoken about is their child/children (and rightly so, I'm sure I would, trust me!!).

But whilst I'm failing at life, I struggle to make small talk. I don't want people to hear me going on about it all, so I just close myself.

I've become a master of painting on a brave face. My husband knows the real me. Meeting new people has become harder since we lost our baby. I'm a different version of me now. One I'm still getting to grips with.

I have handed in my notice at work. The way I see it, a job can be anytime, but a baby can not. I am fortunate that they have actually been incredibly understanding and have kept me on as casual to come back when I want. But for now, it's time to concentrate on me. My husband is working away in Norfolk and I have joined him. This is where im going to find myself again.

Twice a day you will find me walking our dog at the beach. In nearly a week here, there hasn't been a moment where tears haven't fell as I stare at the sea whilst our dog is energetically running circles around me, as her mummy wipes her eyes. As soon as she notices I'm having a moment, she sits beside me panting away looking up at me, as if to say, 'I'm here for you' as she wags her tail so frantically. I stare into the picturesque scenery and talk to my mum and dad in my head.

I'm now heading home to Cheshire next week to FINALLY have some tests on my endometrial lining. I'm hoping so badly for some answers. It sounds stupid, but I want them to find a problem, so it can be fixed. No explanation for implantation failure is not what we still want heading into our first ever frozen egg transfer in a few months time. 9 embryos are still waiting for us in Cyprus. 9!! I am still pinching myself. When something is happening, when there is a plan in place, it always helps me to cope. It's this lull of limbo where I struggle. The waiting. The nothing happening.

•For the life of someone who goes through failed IVF after IVF, every day is a trigger of what they can't have. What they don't succeed at.

•For the life of someone who gives birth to a sleeping baby, every day is a trigger of what they so nearly had. What they never got to experience. Memories that never were made. The warm touch you never got to feel.

•For the life of someone who's close friend had a baby boy at the same time, it's a trigger of the mile stones you never got to see. The life you never get to have. The love you never get to give. The cuddles and smiles you never know.

•It isnt just as simple as trying to 'move on' with life. We all deal with things in our own ways and I will say it time and time again, 'you never know, until you've been through it'.

The reminders. The pain can still take your breath away. The 8th July 2021, was Billy's due date. That means that if we had luck on our side, we would be celebrating his 1st Birthday around now. I can only imagine the pictures I would have taken, the bunny cake I would have made. The love and pride we would be feeling. We will never exactly know the full extent of his complications, it's a life of wondering 'what if?'. All I know is I would have given anything to be his mummy. Parents to our Billy, our 1 year old. Our beautiful pride and joy.

We WILL have OUR baby. I will carry and give birth to our child. It's still in me. This desire. My brain and body clearly needs and wants it.... let's just hope this limbo soon becomes a plan in motion... but for now, the seaside and my walks with my girl is my therapy...