# 7 The final blog, Round 1

So the test is due the day after my 33rd birthday. I spent my 21st and 30th birthdays knowing each parent was terminally ill, blowing out my birthday candles with tears flooding my eyes. I spent my 33rd birthday in a restaurant with my husband and friends blowing a candle out with tears in my eyes knowing my wish can’t come true yet again.

So, I had spent nearly a week at home lying around the house after the egg transfer and had gone back to work. That same evening I noticed some brown/black blood and tried not to worry. I rang the clinic 2 days later, knowing I’ve only got 2 days until it’s test day. The nurse informed me that with the trauma of the egg removal operation it is to be expected and to only be concerned if it is heavy or red. Later that evening it turned red. By the early morning of my birthday I had a very heavy period.

The lunchtime of my birthday, my husband and I walked our dog around the beautiful country park near us. I sat there watching the sun on the water listening to the nature and wildlife around us, pretty much praying that ‘this’ wasn’t happening. This is our time! This is supposed to be our happily ever after!!

We came home and held each other lying in the spring sunshine and there was only one conversation... Do we do this again? Where do you draw the line?? How many times is too many??? We always said we would just do it once, but when you want something so bad, you feel like you will do anything you can! I didn’t want to go out for the birthday meal planned, I didn’t want to pretend to smile whilst inside my heart was breaking. But I did it. I was so uncomfortable, sitting in between my best friend and my husband, I was devastated and embarrassed when I realised blood was pouring out of me like a tap onto the restaurant chair.

At 5am the morning of the pregnancy test being due, I could no longer lay waiting. I woke my poor husband and decided to get it over and done with. There it was. The single line. - NOT PREGNANT. We knew it. But yet, we shared a cuddle, went back to bed, and that’s when my tears started again, they flowed and flowed and didn’t stop. Hormones, or heartbreak or both combined, I don’t know, it just hurt from the inside out!

It is not just a physical rollercoaster for the woman, it’s an emotional rollercoaster for yourself and your partner. How many times can your relationship go through this?! We had someone individually select a sperm, insert it into a mature egg, watch it grow, insert it into my ready womb and yet it still couldn’t grow into our baby.

I wanted this blog to give hope and advice, I wanted it to be real and not rose tinted. I wanted it to help someone...Now I feel like I’m the one who needs the help.

In the words of Jane Austen, “I’m half agony, half Hope” .