# 8 The debrief, Round 1

The 3 and a half week wait felt much longer than anticipated. In that meantime, too many times to count spent pondering over the last few months, constant questions in my head, what could I have done differently? Do we do it again? What if it doesn’t work again? Should we adopt? Why can’t I be a mum? What am I doing?

Well, the answers are, I did all I could. We will regret it if we don’t give it one more shot. If it doesn’t work again, we could look into adopting. I will be a mum. What am I doing?... I’m grieving, but I’m trying to get my s**t together!

If you’re anything like me, after a failed cycle, you would have broken down at moments that can catch you off guard, when the hormones were still playing havoc the week of my bleed, I broke down in tears in front of a shop assistant when she asked “did you have a nice birthday“ whilst I was spending a birthday voucher. That was a bad day. Mostly everyone I felt I walked past had a baby bump.

The hardest part in hindsight, is the toll it takes on your marriage. My hat is off to anyone who has gone through this multiple times. How do you do it?

Tuesday 7th May, our meeting with our clinic finally came.

First things first “how are you“ my eyes instantly glazed over as I reluctantly nodded “fine”. My husband did his usual sitting there in silence, whilst his hand was on my thigh. We were offered fertility counselling but declined the offer. It is what it is. Commuting to appointments to discuss the stress of what’s happened will only cause more stress! Though I can appreciate this will help so many people and is a wonderful thing that is offered. Everything was as the doctor would have wanted. There were eggs, there was sperm, my womb looked great, and there was one embryo that survived. The blastocyst that was transferred was graded as 4/5 BB, which was good and..as everyone kept telling me, IT ONLY TAKES ONE! The only thing that was mentioned, was because I bled before my test, the possibility is that my body did not take to the pessaries. If I do it again, I will be put on an injection instead of the pessaries after the transfer. I also asked if we could slightly increase my Gonal F to hopefully produce just a couple more eggs, which she is happy for me to do.

Now we just need to decide if and when... Watch this space.